I am a wilderness wanderer.
Let me explain...
Sunday morning started like many other Sunday mornings. The alarm went off and I got out of bed, ready to spend the first moments of my day with God. This I have been doing for going on almost 12 years now; giving my first waking moments to Him.
Praying.
Listening.
Learning.
I am amazed at all He has taught me these last 11 years. So much He has freed me from...But there is still this one thing I struggle with (well, there is more than one, but this one is a biggie) and that is, well, ultimately it comes down to trust. Do I trust Him to provide? It seems most days my faith is choked by my unending focus on money, on my finances, on whether we are going to be able to make ends meet this month. It is a constant song playing in my head, like someone has pushed "repeat" and the button is stuck.
This morning, like other mornings, I prayed for God to forgive me for not trusting Him and to free me from my constant worry and to shut the voices up that what I have is not enough, never enough. Confession is good for the soul.
"Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me. Psalm 51:10
I finished my Quiet Time and went for a run. When I run alone I have always listened to books and this particular run I was listening to Grace is Greater by Kyle Idleman. Little did I know that God had preordained this run and this book to show me my sin, answer my prayer and start me on the blessed road to freedom. It was a beautiful collision of His amazing grace with my need.
It all began with Chapter 8...
Kyle begins Chapter 8 by describing a request he received for financial assistance. He didn't know the person and found his request to be a bit unusual. This person was wanting assistance to pay for his headstone and the inscription. Kyle soon found out that this man wanted the following inscription on his headstone:
Forgive Me for the Days I Wasn't Grateful
I keep listening. I am still running up the hill. As I am about to get to the top (which is a stopping place for me so my heart rate can slow and I can catch my breath...trust me it is a big hill).
A little odd, maybe, but it caused me to think about all the days and the times I wasn't grateful, all the days I spent whining and complaining. It is a myriad of things I complain about on an almost daily basis; my kids and husband not helping around the house, cars driving too slow, and the list goes on and on.
All of those thoughts led me to glance at the tattoo on my wrist, eucharisteo, and remember reading Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts and even starting my own list of 1000 gifts. Life-changing. Heart-changing, truth.
I am now at the end of one street and turning left to go up a hill.
I keep listening. I am still running up the hill. As I am about to get to the top (which is a stopping place for me so my heart rate can slow and I can catch my breath...trust me it is a big hill).
Kyle says, "In Exodus 16 we see the Israelites wandering in the wilderness (the neurons in my brain are communicating a lot faster, the collision is about to come). God had miraculously led them out of their oppressive bondage in Egypt. Now these former slaves are making their way across the desert to the land God promised them, a land they could call their own. But as they make their journey we find them complaining."
I have now reached the top of the hill, a little out of breath, heart racing. And it's not just because I ran up a hill, God is speaking to me. He is answering a prayer I just prayed this very morning. A prayer I have prayed so many times before...
Kyle goes on to tell about the Israelites complaining that they were tired of manna, but my mind goes to another time that the Israelites complained and God punished them.
In Numbers 13 the LORD told Moses to "Send out some men to explore the land of Canaan, the land I am giving to the Israelites" (Numbers 13:1) Moses obeyed and sent one leader from each of the twelve tribes. The men went out and explored the land. All of the land. They even "cut down a branch with a single cluster of grapes so large that it took two of them to carry it on a pole between them" (Numbers 13:23).
The men spent 40 days exploring the land and then returned to Moses. This is where it gets interesting...
After exploring the land for forty days, the men returned to Moses, Aaron, and the whole community of Israel. They told the entire community what they had seen.
"We entered the land you sent us to explore and it is indeed a bountiful country--a land flowing with milk and honey. Here is the kind of fruit it produces. BUT the people living there are powerful, and their towns are large and fortified. We even saw giants there, the descendants of Anak! The Amalekites live in the Negev, and the Hittites, Jebusites, and Amorites live in the hill country. The Canaanites live along the coast of the Mediterranean Sea and the along the Jordan Valley."
What is interesting to note here is that God already said He was giving the land to the Israelites. Did you catch that? It was already theirs. They must have missed that part. But wait...hadn't God told them many times before that He was giving them the land? Promised to give them the land?
I Googled "How many times did God promise to give the land to the Israelites?" And while the internet can't always be trusted, I found where there are 55 times in which God confirmed the gift with an oath. Of course He could have just told them once and it would be as certain, but He knows how stubborn they....we...are.
I am a wilderness wanderer.
So, what happens after 10 of the 12 come back with this report? Well, first of all, Caleb tried to get them to be quiet. He knows how contagious complaining is and how quickly it can infect everyone within ear shot. Caleb said, "Let's go at once to take the land," he said, "We can certainly conquer it!"
They wouldn't be quiet. They disagreed. "We can't go up against them! They are stronger than we are!" This is the report that spread. The whole community begins weeping and crying all night. They protested against Moses and even talked of stoning Joshua and Caleb. Why, they even thought it was a good idea to choose a new leader and head back to Egypt. All this whining and tearing of clothes and plotting to stone reached the ears of the LORD.
"Then the glorious presence of the LORD appeared to all the Israelites at the Tabernacle. And the LORD said to Moses, 'How long will these people treat me with contempt? Will they never believe Me, even after all the miraculous signs I have done among them?" (Numbers 13:11-12)
Punch to the gut. I am still at the top of the hill about to fall on my face with the weight of my sin. Because this is what I heard, "Suzie, how long will you treat Me with contempt? Will you never believe Me, even after all the miraculous signs I have done for you?"
Oh, Father....Abba...I am so sorry. I am so sorry that I have not believed You. I am so sorry that I have not trusted You. You have told me over and over and over and over that You will provide. You are Jehovah-Jireh, my Provider.
"And this God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from His glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:19). That is just one of the verses. There are many more.
I am a wilderness wanderer.
Back to the Israelites. At the end of Numbers 13, God is ready to get rid of them all and make Moses into a greater nation. Moses, intercedes on their behalf and God agrees to just punish them. How does he punish them? Well, in Numbers 14:26-29, God says, "How long must I put up with this wicked community and its complaints about Me? Yes, I have heard the complaints the Israelites are making against Me. Now tell them this: 'As surely as I live, declares the LORD, I will do to you the very things you say. You will all drop dead in this wilderness!"
They became wilderness wanderers...because they complained and God took their complaints personally. As He should. He promised and they let what they saw with their eyes infect their hearts and ultimately they concluded that Jehovah couldn't be trusted.
I was a wilderness wanderer.
That Sunday morning, that began like many other Sunday mornings, was the Sunday morning that I began to leave the wilderness. God gently showed me my sin, spoke to my heart and extended His beautiful grace to this former wilderness wanderer. He didn't make me stay there. He wanted me to be free. He is a good, good Father. Loving. Patient. Kind. Gracious.
Oh, Father....Abba...I am so sorry. I am ready to leave the wilderness and cling to Your promises. Thank You for not leaving me here. Thank You for Your promises to meet all my needs. I believe, Father, I believe. I am ready...
"We entered the land you sent us to explore and it is indeed a bountiful country--a land flowing with milk and honey. Here is the kind of fruit it produces. BUT the people living there are powerful, and their towns are large and fortified. We even saw giants there, the descendants of Anak! The Amalekites live in the Negev, and the Hittites, Jebusites, and Amorites live in the hill country. The Canaanites live along the coast of the Mediterranean Sea and the along the Jordan Valley."
What is interesting to note here is that God already said He was giving the land to the Israelites. Did you catch that? It was already theirs. They must have missed that part. But wait...hadn't God told them many times before that He was giving them the land? Promised to give them the land?
I Googled "How many times did God promise to give the land to the Israelites?" And while the internet can't always be trusted, I found where there are 55 times in which God confirmed the gift with an oath. Of course He could have just told them once and it would be as certain, but He knows how stubborn they....we...are.
I am a wilderness wanderer.
So, what happens after 10 of the 12 come back with this report? Well, first of all, Caleb tried to get them to be quiet. He knows how contagious complaining is and how quickly it can infect everyone within ear shot. Caleb said, "Let's go at once to take the land," he said, "We can certainly conquer it!"
They wouldn't be quiet. They disagreed. "We can't go up against them! They are stronger than we are!" This is the report that spread. The whole community begins weeping and crying all night. They protested against Moses and even talked of stoning Joshua and Caleb. Why, they even thought it was a good idea to choose a new leader and head back to Egypt. All this whining and tearing of clothes and plotting to stone reached the ears of the LORD.
"Then the glorious presence of the LORD appeared to all the Israelites at the Tabernacle. And the LORD said to Moses, 'How long will these people treat me with contempt? Will they never believe Me, even after all the miraculous signs I have done among them?" (Numbers 13:11-12)
Punch to the gut. I am still at the top of the hill about to fall on my face with the weight of my sin. Because this is what I heard, "Suzie, how long will you treat Me with contempt? Will you never believe Me, even after all the miraculous signs I have done for you?"
Oh, Father....Abba...I am so sorry. I am so sorry that I have not believed You. I am so sorry that I have not trusted You. You have told me over and over and over and over that You will provide. You are Jehovah-Jireh, my Provider.
"And this God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from His glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:19). That is just one of the verses. There are many more.
I am a wilderness wanderer.
Back to the Israelites. At the end of Numbers 13, God is ready to get rid of them all and make Moses into a greater nation. Moses, intercedes on their behalf and God agrees to just punish them. How does he punish them? Well, in Numbers 14:26-29, God says, "How long must I put up with this wicked community and its complaints about Me? Yes, I have heard the complaints the Israelites are making against Me. Now tell them this: 'As surely as I live, declares the LORD, I will do to you the very things you say. You will all drop dead in this wilderness!"
They became wilderness wanderers...because they complained and God took their complaints personally. As He should. He promised and they let what they saw with their eyes infect their hearts and ultimately they concluded that Jehovah couldn't be trusted.
I was a wilderness wanderer.
That Sunday morning, that began like many other Sunday mornings, was the Sunday morning that I began to leave the wilderness. God gently showed me my sin, spoke to my heart and extended His beautiful grace to this former wilderness wanderer. He didn't make me stay there. He wanted me to be free. He is a good, good Father. Loving. Patient. Kind. Gracious.
Oh, Father....Abba...I am so sorry. I am ready to leave the wilderness and cling to Your promises. Thank You for not leaving me here. Thank You for Your promises to meet all my needs. I believe, Father, I believe. I am ready...
No comments:
Post a Comment